My Struggles as a New Father

I'm going through the same things everyone goes through when they become a father. I always wanted to be a special kind of father. In a world where there are so many fathers that have no interest and/or nothing to do with their kids, I think it's very important that I teach my daughter everything I know and encourage her to express herself in the ways she finds most appropriate. Through art, music, sports or whatever it may be.
I love holding my baby. I love having her lay on me where I watch her drift off to sleep when she's most happy and secure. She knows that when daddy is holding her, nothing in the world can hurt her. Sometimes when I'm holding her, I can't help but cry a little just because she's so beautiful and knowing that she is my own daughter. I wouldn't give that feeling up for anything in the world. It's a feeling that someone without kids doesn't realize.
I don't mind when she cries. Of course I try to keep her fed and in a clean diaper just like everyone else does. But I also try to make her happy with other things like making sure she doesn't spend too much time in her crib if she's awake. I have an automatic swing for her that plays music and she likes sitting in there watching the lights and toys that are on it. Most of all, I love holding her more than anything. I know I won't be able to hold her forever.
I stay awake with the baby so that Juanita can get plenty of rest for taking care of the baby while I'm at work. It's better to have a fussy baby than to have a fussy Juanita. The baby can't talk yet.. ;)
I enjoy all the emotions that come with being a father. How much joy I get every time she looks at me. Every time she smiles. She seems like she's a very happy baby. She loves being in this world. She watches everything going on around her. She loves looking out the window at the world. I wonder if she's thinking "I wonder what's out there."
One of the biggest emotional struggles that I have been dealing with continuously is about my son, John Ethan who died when my wife was 36 weeks pregnant with him. In all my dark hours of grief, there was an instant where I actually felt relief that I wouldn't have to change my life and wouldn't have to worry so much about making sure I was doing everything right with a new baby. Even though it was only an instant of thought that quickly passed and was quickly replaced by my feelings of loss and emptiness, I can't help but have feelings of guilt for thinking about it.
Knowing now the way that I feel about my new lovely daughter, I want to punch myself in the head for even thinking that life might be better without having kids. After my son died I thought I would never have kids. The only reason for that was that I knew of the emotional struggles I would have surrounding my son should I have more kids. What if I had a boy? Would I see him emotionally as a replacement for the son that died? I don't know. I would hope not. Having a daughter is definitely easier on me emotionally knowing that she is simply a girl and is much different than my son would have been. I've never told anyone that I felt like that before. I guess anyone who knows me will read it here first. Naturally, it's very difficult to talk about.
All I know is that I love my new baby daughter very much and I'll do everything I can to be the best daddy for her that I can.